How does our family affect us?

Hui fern
Feb 2, 2022
5 min read

Updated: Feb 10, 2022

Children rely on their family when it comes to development. As a new born infant, we enter this world with zero knowledge, which is why whatever that our family teach us will have an impact on the type of person that we become and their words will carry a lot of weight. Some of us may be more uptight while some of us may be more upbeat.

How do we learn from our family?

There are many forms of learning, such as direct and indirect learning. Direct learning refers to the things that our family members have taught us directly for example basic manners such as greetings or bowing. Indirect learning refers to the things that we weren't explicitly taught to do such as using vulgarities or slurs. In a sense, humans can learn or pick up things simply just by observing another individual and slowly pick up his or her habits -be it good or bad.

Therefore, we should understand that the things that a child learn during their early days will leave a huge impact on them which will affect the person that they grow up to be. To use an analogy, if you were building a large structure, you would want to ensure that the foundation is solid so that the remainder of the structure can stand tall and strong for many years. The building will struggle to stand on its own if the foundation is weak. We find it more difficult to be successful in our relationships with others, career, health, and ourselves if our foundations are not firm. As a result, the importance of the family in the development of a child cannot be overstated.

Essentially, your family will be responsible for shaping the child and helping them develop values, skills, socialization, and security during their childhood growth stages.

(Children's Bureau, 2017)

The type of parents that affect the person that we are today

Strict parents

Strict parents can result to codependency as the child would rely on other individuals when handling tasks. Strict parents can be inflexible with the schedule that they planned out for their child such as restricting the amount of time that they hang out with their friends or restricting the child from taking up other hobbies other than the ones that their parents told them to practice. Therefore, this habits may result to codependency as they were not given a freedom to choose which makes it difficult for them to make a choice when given an opportunity, hence they rely on others to help them.

Divorced Parents

This can change your romantic demands as the damaged relationship that you have witnessed between your parents would make you expect higher demands from your new partner such as higher degree of morality, loyalty and compassion.

Research has also found that kids struggle during their parent's divorce stage and will most likely experience distress, anxiety, depression and maybe even impulsive behavior (Morin, 2021).

Children from divorced families may experience difficulties trying to adapt to new environments after the divorce which is why they will feel unsafe and stressed. This in turn could be the potential cause to their higher expectations in their partner as they needed extra security and trust from them.

Parents that educate their children mostly through TV rather than books

Educating a child through tv rather than book reading or story telling can hinder their communication skills. Studies have shown that reading to a child promotes the child to ask questions which results to higher response rate from the parents and more communication is involved. This common practice will allow the child to speak up more and improve their communication skills through the small conversations.

Parents that teaches their child to imitate their actions

Did you know that if a child tends to copy the actions of their parents, they are more likely to be open to other cultures. This is because cultural beliefs and customs may not seem practical or even outdated for some people, but this practice shows that they are more open to learning the different aspects of other cultures and obtains higher awareness regarding other cultures.

Parents that spank their child

I think this action is pretty common in most Asian households as mothers will often resort to spanking as a form of punishment when their child did something wrong. In fact, if you were often spanked by your parents, you would most likely turn out to be a sneaky individual. The constant worry or fear of being spanked may result to the child to work harder to avoid the form of punishment or even do whatever it takes to avoid it. (this includes using your siblings as a shield)

But of course, there are others that may experience harmful side effects such as academic problems or even health problems such as respiratory problems.

Parents struggling with addiction

Parents are not perfect but some of them may carry certain addictions such as smoking, drinking or even drugs. This addiction will cause a child to reflect on themselves and aim to achieve perfection to avoid resulting in the same fate as their parents. They are often taking the role of the parents which is why they did not have the opportunity to let loose or relax as they are constantly taking care of an issue.

In contrast, children may also adopt similar behavioral patterns and addictions as their parents which can result to depression and feeling of worthlessness.

Daddy issues

If you have a close relationship with your father, you will most likely have healthier and more stable relationships. On the other hand, the same thing can't be said for those who have a distant relationship with their father. “Your father is your first male role model—good or bad—and that relationship often shapes how we view men,” (Penn, 2020)

Children may develop fear of abandonment or rejection when they have an absentee dad. They may also assume that all men are cruel and they should not expect anything from them when they have an emotionally unavailable dad. Lastly they may want to pick someone that is a complete opposite from their father when they have an abusive, mean or unloving father. This means self sabotaging relationships, trust issues and commitment issues. Although this mostly applies to females but it can affect males too.

While these breakdowns may be useful to some of you and can be a good starting point, we do recommend talking to a licensed therapist or reach out to any of the helplines provided below if you are struggling with mental health.

Helplines in Singapore

National Care Hotline: 1800-202-6868

(8am-12am daily, from 1 Sep 2020)

Mental Well-being

- Fei Yue’s Online Counselling Service

- Institute of Mental Health’s Mental Health Helpline (6389-2222)

- Samaritans of Singapore (1800-221-4444)

- Silver Ribbon Singapore (6385-3714)

Marital and parenting issues

- Community Psychology Hub’s Online Counselling platform

Violence or abuse

- Big Love Child Protection Specialist Centre (6445-0400)