The family we choose

The way we perceive family affects our mindset and behavioral patterns. There is a difference in the way we treat our family members compared to strangers and it is evidently seen from our daily interactions. For example, we tend to tease or play around with our family and we can be comfortable with skin contact around them whereas we tend to be more formal and avoid skin contact with strangers.

A chosen family is also known as a found family, it is usually made up of people who intentionally chose to embrace, nurture, love and support one another regardless of blood relation or martial status. (Kassel, 2021) In fact, families can be formed in multiple ways which can include owner and pet bond, friendly neighbor bond and even a community that we may relate ourselves with such as lgbtq+ community.

Traditionally, many form the idea of family as two-parent family or even joint family. Joint family is a family in which three or more generations of blood relatives live in a single household. (Muraco, 2022)

Take modern family for example, the Pritchett family did not have the best relationship with one another but since the inclusion of Gloria, the whole family managed to strengthen their bond with each another and truly embraced one other as a family. Although the Pritchett's and the Gloria did not start off on the right foot, they eventually accepted one another and truly loved each other as a family regardless of blood relation.

Another example could also be seen from Mitch and Cam's daughter, lily. She was adopted by her gay parents Mitch and Cam but the whole family never considered her as an outsider and accepted her as a true part of the family even though they were not related by blood. The tremendous love and warmth that she received from everyone around her made her realize that we do not necessarily need to be blood related to form a kinship. As long as there is a form of trust, connection, unconditional love and support as well as acceptance, they can be considered your family as long as you feel like calling them that.

How does families develop?

Families begin with intimacy in a psychological sense. Intimacy, or close interactions with others, is a human desire. Over the course of our lives, we seek for close and important partnerships. According to attachment theory, different styles of caregiving will lead to different kinds of "attachment" in relationships. Our adult intimate relationships stems from our infant relationships therefore these early attachment patterns can affect the way we connect with others in adulthood. Attachment patterns includes, Secure attachment, Anxious-resistant and Anxious-avoidant.

Anxious-resistant is a style that is self-critical, insecure and fearful of rejection while Anxious-avoidant is a style that involves suppressing one's own feelings/desires, and a difficulty of depending on others. (Muraco, 2022)

In fact, some find themselves feeling more reluctant to get close with other people when they form an anxious-avoidant or anxious-resistant early attachment. Although we may have already developed an attachment style, it can always be changed depending on how you want it to change. Being able to obtain a secure style of attachment would require heaps of love, warmth, support and dependable others surrounding you. Your attachment style does not necessarily have a lasting permanent reflection of your character and it definitely does not make you less worthy of love.

Some of us may have the family that we are born into and the families that we chose ourselves. I believe that both of them have a common point and that is fate. We were brought together for a reason which is why we should be blessed to get the opportunity to meet the family that we are with today.

References

The families we choose. (n.d.). Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/basics/family-dynamics/families-we-choose

Kassel, G. (2021, June 9). What ‘Chosen Family’ Means — and How to Build Your Own. Healthline. https://www.healthline.com/health/relationships/chosen-family#definition

Muraco, J. A. (2022). The family. In R. Biswas-Diener & E. Diener (Eds), Noba textbook series: Psychology. Champaign, IL: DEF publishers. Retrieved from http://noba.to/3htscypq