Family estrangement

Estrangement is when you are no longer on friendly terms or part of a social group. Regardless of our family size or dynamics, it is often that we may not have the best relationship with every family member and we can feel a bit distant from them due to some family issues. Nonetheless, not all family have to conform to social norms or standards of a perfect family. However, it is important to comprehend how healthy our home environment is and whether the family is functional or not.

What defines functional and dysfunctional family?

Functional family is commonly associated with positive family communication and functional family identity. Parents would strive to create a healthy environment where everyone feels safe and respected. Although slight misbehaviors and quarrels may occur but they will be often addressed. It is important that boundaries and rules are meant to be set, but maintaining too many rules can allow the family members to feel overwhelmed and may cause disharmony within the family.

On the other hand, dysfunctional family is often associated with lack of unity, empathy, boundaries and family members tend to be more critical towards one another. It is also associated with lasting estrangement, family quarrels and grudges. (Psychologytoday)

Children who come from dysfunctional families tend to take on roles in order to cope with toxic behaviors in their households. Such upbringings affect their trails and habits that carry into adulthood. For example, those who come from a background of alcohol or drug abuse experience a turbulent childhood and end up playing certain roles to alleviate the sadness, humiliation or anger that they feel. Other compulsive behaviors such as gambling, overeating, overly strict and religious attitudes, narcissism and physical, emotional or sexual abuse can also lead to a similar outcome.

The types of role that children tend to take on during these situations include:

1. The hero/responsible child

They are wise, mature, self-sufficient, perfectionists, overachievers, and appear composed. But in reality, they suffer in silence and carry the burden of sadness from their parent's toxic behaviors. They perform the polar opposite of their parents out of fear of becoming like them. If the protagonist has a narcissistic and abusive parent, for example, they will attempt to be the golden child by relying on a good performance to earn love and attention.

2. The scapegoat/troublemaker

They are often irritable and defensive, and they frequently get into mischief in order to attract the most attention. They tend to be the leader within their social groups, but beneath their tough exterior lies their emotionally sensitive self. Because they like to construct walls around themselves, this can lead to superficial connections with others. Parents may routinely express their shame towards their children, and they are frequently neglected at home. They can be either loud and defiant or easily picked on, and they might be self-destructive as a result of the abuse they have endured from their parents.

3. Lost child/dreamer

They are invisible within the family and try to cope with family problems by vanishing, burying themselves in books, daydreaming, or watching movies. Others may view them as a sensible good kid who rarely gets into shenanigans, but they also assume they have a happy and healthy family life. Others may characterize the lost child as a loner since they are often introverted and appreciate having a lot of space and seclusion. Due to their introverted nature, they struggle to acquire important social skills and often have low self-esteem.

4. Mascot/class clown

The dysfunctional family may render them powerless which results in them trying to cope with this feeling by breaking anger, tension, and conflict with fun and humor. The majority of mascot kids carry a warm approach and are considered as being excessively kind. They like assisting others as a way to divert their attention away from their own difficulties, yet they typically suffer from poor self-esteem, anxiety, and depression beneath their happy façade. As a result, they may acquire workaholic tendencies to compensate for their insecurities. When they are in distress, they find it difficult to seek for assistance and will hide their sentiments behind a strong face.

5. Enabler/caretaker

The caretaker role is often taken by the spouse but children may feel compelled to perform it as well. They attend to the addict and console them while urging other families not to respond adversely. Because of an inability to cope with toxic behavior, they make excuses for addicts to justify their behavior and deny that problems exist. They prefer to hide the flaws of their family to make sure that they uphold the image of a healthy, well-rounded family.

(Psych2Go, 2018)

Though it may not be easy when dealing with family troubles, it is vital to have a method to cope with them and an outlet to relieve yourself. Self-awareness is the first step toward self-improvement; I hope you were able to gain some enriching knowledge and if you are currently facing family troubles, know that you are not alone and that the tough times will pass. Stay strong <3

xoxo

References

Communication surrounding estrangement: Stereotypes, attitudes, and (Non)Accommodation strategies. (n.d.). PubMed Central (PMC). https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC6210180/

Psych2Go. (2018, July 28). 5 Types of dysfunctional family dynamics. YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T79scG7axiM&ab_channel=Psych2Go

Psychology Today. (n.d.). Understanding family dynamics. https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/basics/family-dynamics#what-is-a-dysfunctional-family